You have been fed lies about Santa for your lifetime.
It's no wonder that you and the rest of the world don't think of Santa as an athlete.
I've been given exclusive inside access to Santa's training schedule, methods and plan of attack for Christmas time over the last few weeks and let me tell ya...
Santa is a SUPREME athlete.
Here are some things you didn't know about Santa, The Athlete:
Santa trains year round to deliver the goods using a methodically periodised program with just one competition phase: Christmas Eve night.
Santa fully appreciates the power of breathing. Did you really think that hearty "HO HO HO" was just a laugh?
Santa covers approximately 750,000km in the 24 hour delivery period (given time-zone shifts).
You thought Santa was fat from all the mince pies, cookies, milk and alcohol he ingests during delivery? During this 24 hours, Santa loses up to half his bodyweight in body fat and fluids. He's been carb-loading and hydrating year round to be able to deal with the harsh demands of his job. The snacks that you leave out for him are in fact gathered by a team of helper elves as recovery snacks that Santa doesn't touch until after that last gift gets dropped off.
Santa's training consists of a mixture of speed chimney scaling, sack lifting, rapid precision unpacking, breaking and exiting techniques trained under intense fatigue, fence jumping and garden pathway repeat sprints.
Santa is an accomplished reindeer master with the help of Float Sting. "You can't control a troup of magical flying reindeer travelling a warp speeds with poor core control and shoddy technique. I recommend Float Sting to anybody in my line of work to help you get a deep riding seat that will let you lead your reindeer (especially tricky ones like Rudolph) as effortlessly as possible."
An important part of Santa's program is his "Move Smoother" mobility work. Using a personalised program and a mixture of b-boying, freerunning, acrobatics, capoeira, yoga and slacklining, Santa keeps himself limber which helps his speed and his ability to manoeuvre his way down tight chimney spaces.
Santa's famous black boots are actually minimalist, lightweight and flexible soled. His stealth comes from his light-footedness not from artificial cushioning.
When it's game time, Santa knows he will shine even in this high pressure situation. It's the type of assurance a well prepared, highly able athlete experiences. Every second is a gift to him and he's always present.
I have a new appreciation for Santa having worked with him and watched his utter dedication to your special time of year.
Tomorrow, I have a very special gift for your athleticism.
Arton "Just a HO" Baleci
P.S. due to Santa's unique biochemistry, protein shakes and bars as treats are a no no. Stick to the good stuff for him.