As you may have learnt yesterday, Santa is a hardcore athlete.

You don't have to train year round to enjoy your Christmas.

Here are some athletic tips to make your next few days a little easier:

 

 

  • If you're doing Christmas Eve shopping is busy indoor environments, stay tall to weave quickly in and out of the zombie-like crowds. It may help get you to that last minute bargain a step ahead of your competition.
     
  • If you're out on the wet or ice, substitute stride length for increased cadence. Small quick steps will serve you best on slippery surfaces, allowing you to adjust rapidly if you loose your footing or are bumped by the sale-hungry mob.
     
  • Grabbing last minute bargains isn't just about speed. As Batman's arch enemy Bane said, "Deception and theatricality are powerful agents to the uninitiated." Misdirection and distraction could be your friend in grabbing that last turkey from store. Pretending that you are going to fall into the shopper you are going to battle with can cause them to pause just long enough to get a step ahead of them. I've been told that faking serious medical conditions can work wonderfully too. This isn't just for the sales. You can also use it to grab the last 'pig in a blanket' at Christmas dinner. If Derren Brown's OAPs can steal a £100k painting with a few distractions, I'm sure they can serve you well too.
     
  • Christmas is an important recovery time for you. Unless you really need to, don't stand up. Walking is for chumps. Go for the more intelligent means of moving: ROLLING. If you sit in your armchair just right, you can roll effortlessly out of it and roll along the floor to your destination. NOTE: rolling downstairs requires committed practise so leave this for the professionals.
     
  • Spinal mobility is very important when reaching for that last sweetie ahead of an obviously greedy family member. Don't just reach from your arm. Get your spine involved too for an extra few inches of reach advantage. It could be the difference.
     
  • Unwrapping presents isn't just about brute force. Pull just the right place at just the right angle and your gift will unwrap itself quicker than Mrs Claus for Santa's Christmas Day congratulatory roll in the hay.
     
  • Are you going for quick scoffing of loads of food or slow and steady for a greater total volume over the few days? Peaking too fast too soon can ruin your festive eating. Keep your jaw loose between eats so that you can open your mouth to its maximal size quickly with minimal speed.

 

I hope some of those tips give you the edge over these next few days, amigo.

 

 

That's me done for Christmas!

 

 

Thank you for reading, liking, subscribing and sharing this year. I really appreciate it.

 

I hope you and your people have a brilliant, brilliant Christmas.

 

 

Christmas hugs and hi-fives!

 

 

Arton "The Christmas Dinner Demolisher" Baleci

 

 

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